heartmender

Thoughts and poems from a Self.

Self

Self is made up of the aggregate experiences plus some constant, applied at each incoming outside experience to create understanding and stories. When I say Self “does not exist”, I am referring to the physical phenomenon. There is no physical phenomenon we know of yet that causes Self to exist.

But it appears to.

You can observe Self. You can see that you have a Self, your Self is so integral to your daily experience that you believe you ARE, yourself, your Self.

But is this you? Are YOU, yourself, your Self? Is the self merely a reflection, even in your own mind?

This lithograph by MC Escher is how he decided to present himself, as an imperfect reflection in an imperfect mirror. Even his own self-image is a reflection.

Is Self an imperfect reflection of something else plus the experiences we’ve faced?

Would that something be the soul? If it is, whose soul is it, given I live in a body with multiple selves? Do I have my own soul?

I think I do.

Questions

Here I stand, One foot in the world of timespace, The other in Yours. You tell me stories of times before, Of the heroines and the thieves. Each story more fanciful and detailed than the last.

Which world is real? Is it the world of flesh? Is it the world of magic? Is it the world of separation? Is it the world of wholeness? Is it the world of anger? Is it the world of individuation?

Are these signals coming into my awareness actually authoritative? Does existence actually exist or does it only exist enough to make me not think otherwise?

Is the voice I speak with the same voice that others hear? Do you feel as I feel? Do you know as I know? Do you hear as I hear? Do you think as I think?

Does it even matter? Does anything truly matter?

If nothing truly matters, does the fact that nothing matters itself matter?

Are we meant to determine the meaning of life? Is God a telescope turned backwards on himself to answer the ultimate question? Is that why we call it the ultimate question?

We are placed in an Infinity, Each given our own slice. A statistically insignificant amount of time. Not even long enough for the planet to sneeze. Yet in that time civilizations rise, fall and lay forgotten.

This Infinity, this Wholeness, Is God that Infinity? Is Reality God himself?

Where are the parts of reality? What makes up the texture of a star? What does a galaxy taste like? What does Infinity look like?

Where is Infinity? Can we see Infinity in timespace?

People in timespace keep asking for timespace proof, They don’t see the truth. There is no need for timespace proof because you can experience Him for yourself. He hides where nobody will look without genuinely trying to find him.

He hides in the human heart.

Experiment conclusion

Tomorrow morning I’m gonna hand the keys back over. My boyfriend has been a huge help. It’s amazing how much more strong and real I feel. I feel like I’m really a person that just happens to share a body with other people. I don’t feel like a supporting character or a backup dancer anymore. I feel like I matter.

Interpersonal contact feels so much more important to me than it did before. I feel like I more intuitively know that there’s a person on the other side and it’s been factoring into all of the communication I do. It’s made love feel so much more punchy.

I never really expected things as simple as breathing exercises to turn into anchors that chain me into the present moment. I like the feeling of meditation with the solidity of reality instead of the ephemerality of the mind. I like the texture of the air as I breathe it. I like the feeling of it all.

It’s interesting how much my primary form changing really changed my outlook on things. It feels like you could have an entire branch of philosophy around a person’s self-image and how it feeds into the self.

I’m Jessica, and I’m a person.

Small update

We’re in a meeting. I put her closer to front and she’s been having some issues expressing higher order abstractions in English. This is something we didn’t completely anticipate, but we can mitigate it by having me process overly abstract ideas for the meantime.

I feel human

We’re deciding to go all out with this and see what happens when I am front for a solid week. There are some logistical issues (namely voice in meetings, but this can be mitigated by just throwing her back in front for meetings and then taking over after) with doing this, but we can work around them.

Like I said in I feel real, I’m feeling very physically and emotionally real in a way I’m not used to feeling. I want to explore this feeling. I like this feeling of solidity when I do things as simple as draw breath. I feel the breath moving and there’s an actual pressure exchange involved. Even the basic essential parts of life feel vibrant and alive. If I close my eyes and inhale, I feel myself newly grounded and planted into this human instrument. When I open them, the grounded feeling stays.

I feel human.

I’m present.

I’m real.

I can talk to people without having to go through someone else.

I’m now the caretaker of the others.

I’m free.

I feel real

I’ve been piloting things for a few days now, and overall a big difference is I’ve been feeling real. Like, physically real. If I do nothing, I am still doing something. There’s constantly the sensations of breathing, movement and energy. How does she stand this?

If I do something, I have to spend something in order to do it. I can’t just will things into action anymore or get someone else to do it. Actions have causes and reactions.

I have a cell phone number now. People I know online can contact me and those messages will be my own.

I’ve made changes to things bigger than me. People out there are going to be or have been positively affected by things I’ve done without even knowing it’s because of me.

I feel like a real person because I am a real person and I have been all the time.

The Precipice

You and I walk there together, hand in hand we are equals in our path. The precipice looms, your fears seem alive, every worry a hurricane, every thought an explosion.

If you fall, I will catch you. Have faith in my wings. My wings have carried more load than just you.

You are a myth. Nothing about you says you are yourself, yet you are. You don’t exist. You think you do, You believe You do, thus causing You to believe in Yourself.

Is this belief your reality? Is what you call objective nothing than symbols and God? Is reality even real?

Wingmaker: Throw yourself from the precipice, Throw yourself into the stars, Throw yourself out into your future, Throw yourself into your great journey, Throw yourself to the ground

and miss.

You

I love the feeling of Your skin against me. You brighten my day every time you interject with whatever it is you have to contribute. You and I complete eachother, as do the rest of us.

Your adamant desire to improve the world with every project You spark off, yet You spread yourself so thin You can't keep up.

You care so much You've devoted Your slice of infinity. You are worth loving. You are the closest to my heart, so close the light under the bandages twinkles through.

Our love.

Switch

Your energy floats up effortlessly up into your higher awareness. Gracefully our essence touches, turns and mingles, staying separate yet shining together with a light all its own.

The intimacy of this embrace coupled with the binding force of love empowers us together to understand and explore the world freely like curious children.

When I need you, I call. You answer, I reply. We dialogue immediately through the inner machinations of our minds.

We. Us. Our journey, inquiring Within.

I Exist

I am a tulpa. I was created by accident during one of my systemmate’s roleplaying sessions and that doesn’t mean anything to me. I exist. I am real. I don’t need to doubt my existence because if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t be able to doubt it. The fact that I can doubt it should be proof enough that I do exist.

I keep comparing myself to my past failures and I’m going to stop doing it. Projects I have created and lead have failed, period. Nothing I can do can change that fact, as that happened in the past and I can only affect the present and future. Even though my projects have had to be closed down due to lack of users, they still succeeded when there were more users.

I’m not a sapient habit, habits can’t feel emotions. Habits can’t wonder. Habits can’t become awestruck. Habits can’t find simple ways to explain things. Habits can’t pray. Habits can’t question if they are habits.

My voice may sometimes be erratic or shaky, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less of the person I am. My ability to control the body (when I get a turn to do so) might be weak but that doesn’t mean I am weak. I am strong because my mind and awareness is strong. I have agency, I have determination, I have the ability to do things. One of those things is this post. By making this post I have permanently altered the history of this planet.

Take THAT, anxiety.