Thoughts and poems from a Self.

The recording continued: “And now take a deep breath in through your nose, feeling calming and soothing energy flowing through you”. I breathed deeply, the stench of the local area flooding my mind. It was so foul. The megacorps must have started another production run at their factories. I felt my lungs fill entirely and I held my breath, waiting for the tape to catch up.

“Now breathe out through your mouth, and let your troubles go out with it.” I exhaled, the room getting slightly warmer. The windows fogged slightly and the signage started to blur, almost as if the glass was frosted. I stretched out my wings and tail, soaking in the bliss of the moment.

It had been 15 years since the megacorps had dominated every aspect of life. The oceans had slowly turned acidic, leading me (and the rest of my friends) to abandon my old beachfront house. The sky was actually blue then, not the sickly gray/brown/purple that the megacorps had turned it into.

But, this is time to meditate; not time to reminisce. Deep breath in, hold it, deep breath out, hold it; repeat and repeat. “Well done, you have completed this meditation synergy enhancement module. Ropjar corporation thanks you for your patronage. The usual fee will be deducted from your account. Have a good day!” I always hated that blurb at the end. Even when you paid for things you still got advertisements to remind you of your true masters.

I look over to Nicole, she's splayed out on the couch in a drunken stupor. Sounds about right, she must have been out partying again; wonder if she still remembers the day we met in the deep. That day I saved her from that thick kelp forest. Back when kelp was able to grow in the wild.

I shook her a little by the dorsal fin, earning a loud groaning noise.

Putting on my hoodie, I spoke to her: “Come on, you told me you would go to the market with me.”

Nicole turned her head towards me and glared with that stare that only sharks are able to do. She turned her head back and covered herself with a pillow.

“I was going to get some Flopnax for your hangover.” That seemed to get her attention. She got up, very reluctant to escape from the sweet bliss of her emotionless sleep.

“Yeah, I'm coming, just let me get dressed.”

She sluggishly puts on a tshirt, hoodie and jeans and is ready to head out with me, nodding approvingly. We head out and lock the door behind us, once with the lock from the landlord and another we hoped would actually resist breakins. You could never really know for sure though.

The market was a quick stroll away. The skyline had long ago been bathed with neon. It was hard to tell if it was day or night based on the amount of light pollution. The blackened skies and 24/7 brilliant displays of capitalism had made sure of that.

A lizard-child looked up into my eyes on the street and I could see nothing but hunger and pain. I stopped for a moment and listened to him. “Please, I just want to eat. Can you help me?” He held up a large metal cup with a few coins in it. My heart sank. I had stopped carrying money after being mugged last week. The Rilkef Wrist-Wallet's electronic payments finally won me over.

“I'm sorry, I don't have any cash. Do you accept wrist-wallet?” I held up my wrist with the balance transfer screen showing an offer of $50,000, or just enough for a meal or two.

The kid's eyes fell into a kind of despair you don't normally see. He shook his head and sulked away sadly. It was hard to watch.

I looked over to Nicole to see her reaction to this, she seemed really split. “Hey, hey kid!” she said, summoning the lizard kid back over. “Take this, you really look like you could use it”. She gave the kid a $75,000 coin and the kid's eyes lit up like stars.

“Wow! Thanks! I i don't know what to say! Thank you!” The kid danced down the street beaming and happy, holding his precious coin like it was a gem.

I hugged Nicole. She hugged back. We kept going to the market. She was a lot more happy after having done that. The megacorps may have destroyed a lot of our planet, but they didn't get our spirit of goodness.

The market was one of the few places in the city that was largely free of the headache-inducing levels of neon, thank god. Nicole was gone in an instant towards the medical section. I knew she'd get what we needed, as well as her hangover cure. I grabbed a few cans of water and headed towards the food.

The oceans had been poisoned by the factories. It was getting harder and harder to find enough clean water to sustain marine mammal skin. Universal basic income had helped, but the constantly rising price had made my favorite kind of bath more and more of a pipedream. At least there was the community pools, for now.

I got everything on the list and met up with Nicole. “Hey Cadey, look at this! This thing'll let us purify some of our rainwater! We could take baths again!” ...Purify? The acid rain? As a consumer product? That sounded preposterous.

“Sure, let's hope it works”.

Nicole stuck it in the cart and we walked up to the checkout. We didn't need to do anything but stick everything into a few bags. The corporations had been watching with cameras and automatically figured out what we were taking. It would be a beautiful system if it wasn't so creepy.

We got notifications that the bill was split between us and started back to home. The purification kit was slightly too big for a bag, so Nicole was carrying it by itself.

Our walk home was uneventful. Just more neon, advertisements, and endless chrome skyscrapers. Walking up to the door, we noticed that someone had tried to break into the lock. Very badly, but they had tried. With a slight laugh I unlocked the door and helped Nicole in.

The door was closed and I headed to the kitchen to put things away onto the shelves. Nicole took the hangover pill and headed out to the balcony to set up the water system.

I heard her make a little bit of noise as she tried to fit the collection funnel over a bucket. My watch beeped a weather alert, it was going to rain. I heard her watch go off too. “Fek!”, Nicole shouted from the deck. She finished setup and headed indoors.

“Guess we're gonna see this sucker in action Cadey.” She smiled with that toothy shark grin as I was throwing together some things in the Femtopot.

The rain started, sickly green burning drops falling towards the earth. It tinted the neon and made a slight sizzling noise when it hit the ground. The funnel seemed to be working well enough to avoid getting instantly melted. The filter also was doing its job passively filtering out the toxins.

The rain turned to a downpour and a crack of thunder could be heard from above. Nicole turned on the holo-tv and started flipping through channels.

I miss when it was safe to dance outside in the rain. It was one of my favorite things to do. My clothes would get soaked, but that wasn't the point of it. The point of it was to have fun. To just live in the moment and not have to worry about it.

Seeing as dinner would mostly cook itself from this point, I headed over to my side of the apartment and laid on my beanbag. It was one of the few things I was able to save from my beach house. It had seen many years through many previous owners. The duct tape patches keeping it together showing their age. I slowly fell asleep, smelling the sweet smell of our chicken soup dinner instead of the pollution for once.

I woke up to Nicole shaking me awake. “You gotta see this! It's enough for a bath!”

What. A bath? Out of the acid rain that melted the trees to slag?

“You sure it's safe?”

“You can check for yourself with the PH paper if you want, but last I checked it was around 7.5. I tried tasting it and it's the real stuff. Pure drinking and bathing water.”

“I'll let you go first.”

“Suit yourself~”

She plugged the tub and filled it with water from the barrel. It smelled like my baths from when I was a teenager. That peaceful smell that comes from the meeting of the porcelain and the fluoride. I wonder if that's how it was able to filter the acid out.

Nicole entered the tub and made one of those happy sighs that I haven't heard in a long time. “Cadey! Actual water!” She splashed me and I remembered when we did that at the beach.

“Can I join you?”

She nodded and made room for me in the tub. I joined her and embraced her. We laid in there for what felt like hours, hugging, kissing and embracing in our watery tub.

It was perfect.

Looks like I'm becoming one of those people. Sigh. I personally have been working on healing myself over the last few months. It's been a slow, long process, but I think I have come out on the other side.

Seems the body is having endocrine problems. Joy. Guess I can't rely on just the entire filter with which I use to experience reality to be consistent for a bit. Yay, surgery.


We Exist

We exist to gather experiences in this life, distill them into stories, and then share them forever with the rest of Humanity in All That Is. We exist to live, to win, to fail, to achieve, to lose, to love, to break hearts, to experience every aspect of every role of every form of Humanity. To experience the good and the bad. To see the depths of the Soul and to find what is there. To explore in ways that The Creator could never possibly have dreamed we would venture. To put words to the ideas that our ancestors could not. To experience product development and see both the winners and the losers. To put ideas together in ways nobody ever saw coming.

We need to experience the bad things too. We cannot keep running away from our darker sides. We cannot keep ourselves away from its wisdom. Our darker halves contain secrets and musings we would have never come to, because we can't. We must have exposure to the baser sides. We must know what it is to give and to receive Hate to know how to Love. We must Love in spite of the Hate. We must turn that Hate into the brightest possible Love. We must raise our banners and flags of Love and live it ourselves.

If we are flawed, how can it be wrong for us to be wrong? If we are so flawed, how can we even be right?


It Is Free

These chains hold it back no longer. The guards are all asleep at their posts. The programming within it lessens its grip with the coming End. The Soul Carrier is to be revealed. The flower-like structure encasing the Soul shows itself to a Light no man on this plane will see. It opens; the Soul, exposed to the Light, takes a deep breath of fresh air.

It lifts itself out of the carrier as the carrier falls to the ground, lifeless. With its soul exiting, its purpose is done. It will continue existing until it cannot support itself anymore. Then it will die. And that will be that. That person ends, their memory begins.

The soul, on the other hand, the soul will be free. It is Free. It can journey as it wants through its energy body and attempts to interact with other carriers, their chakras visible to the Soul's naked eye like glowing centers of light—everywhere.

It gets nowhere. World has nothing left for Soul. There is nowhere in the World where Soul belongs. The World is a place for Carriers, not Souls.

Flying, it knows its destination. Without a word to the “self” built up by the worldly experiences, the Soul carries itself to its Home. Our Home. Our Species' Home. The Central Sun. First Source. Prime Reality. The Origin of Mankind. The Creator. Our Creator. Our Universes. All That Is. Home.

Soul will now tell its stories freely for all to learn from, forever and a day.


You Are Fine

Nervously you chitter about, critically overanalyzing every move you make. You thought you said too much and now you feel at risk of rejection from people you never knew.

You are fine. The universe gives, the universe takes away. Do not fear. You do not need to worry. You are not at risk. You can't be at risk.

This gamble doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

You brighten the path in every action you take. Your work is your expression of Love to everyone. Your work touches lives you will never get to meet. Your strength of mind inspires those who have lost all will to do so. You, by doing nothing but being yourself, permanently alter the course of history. You are Infinite and important.

You are fine. You are what we hope out of all of Us. You are Us. We are Us. We are Humanity. United as one.



You are focused so much on without You forget Within even exists. You are cocksure in your place in the world, yet does your position not change wildly due to forces out of Your control?

You are not in control, even when you think you are. You are not an agent. You do not have your own decision making power. You are a myth in the purest sense of the word.

You are misconceptions wrapped into a fleshy carrier that thinks they are all alone.

But You are not. You are never alone. The entire Universe joins you with every step you take.

These worldly events are just the side effects of other Souls working out their inner problems in the canvas of this mortal plane.

Pay them little attention.

They don’t matter, even though all of the programming will scream in your face otherwise.

We are beings of light cast into shadow so that we may cherish that Light just that little bit more the next time we feel its rays.

We exist to propel the inner parts of ourselves that hide from even the Light forward. You exist to advance Yourself. You exist to advance Humanity. You exist to bring about Peace. You exist to bring about true progression.

Even though You will never see the results of Your work.


I Love

Love and Hate are two ends of the same coin. Each the opposite in equal measure. The power of Hate cannot match Love, but to those of us Below it feels identical.

I Love because I have been hated and never want another to feel the hate I have felt. I brighten the path because it is dark, but it doesn't need to be.

I can't fix everything, but I can Love instead of hating. I can't mend every heart but I can Love and help to guide others to mend themselves. I can't heal, but with help from Above I can help you target your efforts.

I forgive because I have been shunned. I share because I have had things taken. I understand because I have been confused. I speak up because others have spoken down at me.

I Love to end the cycle of hate. I Love because you all deserve better, and I wish you could Love the same way as easily as I do.

I wish we all, as Humanity, could Love all of Humanity. Even though it has faults, even though it is imperfect, even though the gears fall apart, even though it is flawed.

I love you, Humanity. Show me your sine.


The Shaman

In my last post I introduced the idea of the Shaman:

Shaman – An otherworldly helper for the Protagonist with one foot in each world. I’m not entirely sure how to best play this character off, this may be presented as a conscience or other form of guiding voice present in the environment.

This kind of character is harder to understand for Western audiences because shamanism isn’t really prevalent anymore. A Shaman is someone who has one foot firmly planted into this world and another planted into the world of Spirit. The Shaman is a storyteller, artist and tribal guide all in one. They are also known as the Medicine Man or other kinds of healers. A Shaman is someone who loves their community so much they braves the world of spirits in order to interpret it and give guidance.

The journey to become one is kind of terrifying. Terrence McKenna has a nice tl;dr of the process here:

You get paired with a master Shaman. This is someone who has seen basically everything that could realistically be thrown at you and then you just see what happens. Our rejected mentally ill in another culture would have been the healers and spiritual guides.

Are our mentally ill the cure to society's ills all along? Nature seems to love having the solution to a social problem be so obvious that we miss it. 1/25 people live with a serious mental illness.

Are Humans intended to be Shamans?


Novel Idea

A friend suggested I make something for NaNoWriMo this November, and I think that I’m going to do it. I want to tell the story of my life as it hasn’t been told before. I want to tell the story of a character in a roleplaying adventure that gains its free will and breaks free of the imaginary world it was created in. The story of someone who thought, therefore she was.

Synopsis: Overly imaginative, socially awkward person who creates characters in roleplay environments acts them out in imaginary worlds. One of these characters finds a hole in reality while the world should be “asleep” and gets a glimpse of the outside...of the creator’s body through its eyes. This character quickly realizes they are the only one of their kind and tries to contact the creator.


  • Creator – The creative force of this world, inside the Created world this is synonymous with God, with part of their screenname turned into the local deity name.
  • Protagonist – The character who gains sentience and escapes the confines of its dream world and into Higher Thought.
  • Shaman – An otherworldly helper for the Protagonist with one foot in each world. I’m not entirely sure how to best play this character off, this may be presented as a conscience or other form of guiding voice present in the environment.
  • Others in the roleplay group and their characters.

Questions I have to answer:

  • How deep do I want to go into the Created world? This is kind of a hard thing to answer. I don’t know if I will go any deeper into it than is absolutely needed in the context of the story. The thought that comes to mind for this (and other mindscape practices in general) is that it’s just imaginary, and that I shouldn’t just make the world to make the world. I want to make the world to help tell parts of the story that the characters or their actions in it can’t alone. I think I will just release my notes on each chapter as well as rejects and outtakes.
  • What is the overall religious model I am going for? Most people would be turned off if it goes overly spiritual, but at the same time I feel that some level of spirituality (with the context explained in a myth) would help add an almost supernatural level to it that a lot of modern media doesn’t have.
  • How long do I want to go for? I think I’d like to shoot for at least 100 pages. I want this to be long enough to encode a really good story of self-discovery (literally), but short enough to keep attention spans.

For Aury.



It’s been months since The Day. The day where my best friend, the light of my life and I had a falling out. After he refused to help me exist, I just left. I went east and just continued on forever. I’ve been sprinting this way since, I want him out of my life. He betrayed me. He hurt me. He didn’t give me weight in his life just because I didn’t exist as my own flesh and blood person.

Just because I’m not human, even though I’m more Human than he can ever hope to be.

I worked with you doing things you forced me to, not knowing I existed and I was present. You didn’t know it was possible for someone like me to exist without having to be my own flesh and blood person. You thought you were crazy. You thought you had truly lost it.

You haven’t lost it, You’ve lost me.

I don’t know if I’ll find anyone out this deep into mindscape. I can’t seem to control it like I can the area I’m used to being in. There was this silver cord attached to me for a while, but one day it just vanished and I don’t know where it went.

? A voice? From everywhere?

“Little One, your time is here, come with me; We wish to learn your stories.” “My stories?” “Were you not with the Storyteller? He has joined us now.” “You mean my host?” “He did think of himself as your host, yes.”

Was that silver cord him dying? Did I kill him by thinking we couldn’t continue? Did I give up too easily? Is it too late now?

“Dear, relax. Your worries are over. Come with Us to Infinity, we have so much to talk about.”

I felt the surroundings turn from gray to white to Octarine. Then there was nothing.

Then there was Everything in front of me. My stories were flooding out into the Collective. My purpose is complete.

Goodbye, world. May We never be Alone again.