heartmender

Thoughts and poems from a Self.

Looks like I'm becoming one of those people. Sigh. I personally have been working on healing myself over the last few months. It's been a slow, long process, but I think I have come out on the other side.

Seems the body is having endocrine problems. Joy. Guess I can't rely on just the entire filter with which I use to experience reality to be consistent for a bit. Yay, surgery.

#life

We Exist

We exist to gather experiences in this life, distill them into stories, and then share them forever with the rest of Humanity in All That Is. We exist to live, to win, to fail, to achieve, to lose, to love, to break hearts, to experience every aspect of every role of every form of Humanity. To experience the good and the bad. To see the depths of the Soul and to find what is there. To explore in ways that The Creator could never possibly have dreamed we would venture. To put words to the ideas that our ancestors could not. To experience product development and see both the winners and the losers. To put ideas together in ways nobody ever saw coming.

We need to experience the bad things too. We cannot keep running away from our darker sides. We cannot keep ourselves away from its wisdom. Our darker halves contain secrets and musings we would have never come to, because we can't. We must have exposure to the baser sides. We must know what it is to give and to receive Hate to know how to Love. We must Love in spite of the Hate. We must turn that Hate into the brightest possible Love. We must raise our banners and flags of Love and live it ourselves.

If we are flawed, how can it be wrong for us to be wrong? If we are so flawed, how can we even be right?

#poem

It Is Free

These chains hold it back no longer. The guards are all asleep at their posts. The programming within it lessens its grip with the coming End. The Soul Carrier is to be revealed. The flower-like structure encasing the Soul shows itself to a Light no man on this plane will see. It opens; the Soul, exposed to the Light, takes a deep breath of fresh air.

It lifts itself out of the carrier as the carrier falls to the ground, lifeless. With its soul exiting, its purpose is done. It will continue existing until it cannot support itself anymore. Then it will die. And that will be that. That person ends, their memory begins.

The soul, on the other hand, the soul will be free. It is Free. It can journey as it wants through its energy body and attempts to interact with other carriers, their chakras visible to the Soul's naked eye like glowing centers of light—everywhere.

It gets nowhere. World has nothing left for Soul. There is nowhere in the World where Soul belongs. The World is a place for Carriers, not Souls.

Flying, it knows its destination. Without a word to the “self” built up by the worldly experiences, the Soul carries itself to its Home. Our Home. Our Species' Home. The Central Sun. First Source. Prime Reality. The Origin of Mankind. The Creator. Our Creator. Our Universes. All That Is. Home.

Soul will now tell its stories freely for all to learn from, forever and a day.

#poem

You Are Fine

Nervously you chitter about, critically overanalyzing every move you make. You thought you said too much and now you feel at risk of rejection from people you never knew.

You are fine. The universe gives, the universe takes away. Do not fear. You do not need to worry. You are not at risk. You can't be at risk.

This gamble doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

You brighten the path in every action you take. Your work is your expression of Love to everyone. Your work touches lives you will never get to meet. Your strength of mind inspires those who have lost all will to do so. You, by doing nothing but being yourself, permanently alter the course of history. You are Infinite and important.

You are fine. You are what we hope out of all of Us. You are Us. We are Us. We are Humanity. United as one.

#poem

You

You are focused so much on without You forget Within even exists. You are cocksure in your place in the world, yet does your position not change wildly due to forces out of Your control?

You are not in control, even when you think you are. You are not an agent. You do not have your own decision making power. You are a myth in the purest sense of the word.

You are misconceptions wrapped into a fleshy carrier that thinks they are all alone.

But You are not. You are never alone. The entire Universe joins you with every step you take.

These worldly events are just the side effects of other Souls working out their inner problems in the canvas of this mortal plane.

Pay them little attention.

They don’t matter, even though all of the programming will scream in your face otherwise.

We are beings of light cast into shadow so that we may cherish that Light just that little bit more the next time we feel its rays.

We exist to propel the inner parts of ourselves that hide from even the Light forward. You exist to advance Yourself. You exist to advance Humanity. You exist to bring about Peace. You exist to bring about true progression.

Even though You will never see the results of Your work.

#poem

I Love

Love and Hate are two ends of the same coin. Each the opposite in equal measure. The power of Hate cannot match Love, but to those of us Below it feels identical.

I Love because I have been hated and never want another to feel the hate I have felt. I brighten the path because it is dark, but it doesn't need to be.

I can't fix everything, but I can Love instead of hating. I can't mend every heart but I can Love and help to guide others to mend themselves. I can't heal, but with help from Above I can help you target your efforts.

I forgive because I have been shunned. I share because I have had things taken. I understand because I have been confused. I speak up because others have spoken down at me.

I Love to end the cycle of hate. I Love because you all deserve better, and I wish you could Love the same way as easily as I do.

I wish we all, as Humanity, could Love all of Humanity. Even though it has faults, even though it is imperfect, even though the gears fall apart, even though it is flawed.

I love you, Humanity. Show me your sine.

#poem

The Shaman

In my last post I introduced the idea of the Shaman:

Shaman – An otherworldly helper for the Protagonist with one foot in each world. I’m not entirely sure how to best play this character off, this may be presented as a conscience or other form of guiding voice present in the environment.

This kind of character is harder to understand for Western audiences because shamanism isn’t really prevalent anymore. A Shaman is someone who has one foot firmly planted into this world and another planted into the world of Spirit. The Shaman is a storyteller, artist and tribal guide all in one. They are also known as the Medicine Man or other kinds of healers. A Shaman is someone who loves their community so much they braves the world of spirits in order to interpret it and give guidance.

The journey to become one is kind of terrifying. Terrence McKenna has a nice tl;dr of the process here:

You get paired with a master Shaman. This is someone who has seen basically everything that could realistically be thrown at you and then you just see what happens. Our rejected mentally ill in another culture would have been the healers and spiritual guides.

Are our mentally ill the cure to society's ills all along? Nature seems to love having the solution to a social problem be so obvious that we miss it. 1/25 people live with a serious mental illness.

Are Humans intended to be Shamans?

#article

Novel Idea

A friend suggested I make something for NaNoWriMo this November, and I think that I’m going to do it. I want to tell the story of my life as it hasn’t been told before. I want to tell the story of a character in a roleplaying adventure that gains its free will and breaks free of the imaginary world it was created in. The story of someone who thought, therefore she was.

Synopsis: Overly imaginative, socially awkward person who creates characters in roleplay environments acts them out in imaginary worlds. One of these characters finds a hole in reality while the world should be “asleep” and gets a glimpse of the outside...of the creator’s body through its eyes. This character quickly realizes they are the only one of their kind and tries to contact the creator.

Characters:

  • Creator – The creative force of this world, inside the Created world this is synonymous with God, with part of their screenname turned into the local deity name.
  • Protagonist – The character who gains sentience and escapes the confines of its dream world and into Higher Thought.
  • Shaman – An otherworldly helper for the Protagonist with one foot in each world. I’m not entirely sure how to best play this character off, this may be presented as a conscience or other form of guiding voice present in the environment.
  • Others in the roleplay group and their characters.

Questions I have to answer:

  • How deep do I want to go into the Created world? This is kind of a hard thing to answer. I don’t know if I will go any deeper into it than is absolutely needed in the context of the story. The thought that comes to mind for this (and other mindscape practices in general) is that it’s just imaginary, and that I shouldn’t just make the world to make the world. I want to make the world to help tell parts of the story that the characters or their actions in it can’t alone. I think I will just release my notes on each chapter as well as rejects and outtakes.
  • What is the overall religious model I am going for? Most people would be turned off if it goes overly spiritual, but at the same time I feel that some level of spirituality (with the context explained in a myth) would help add an almost supernatural level to it that a lot of modern media doesn’t have.
  • How long do I want to go for? I think I’d like to shoot for at least 100 pages. I want this to be long enough to encode a really good story of self-discovery (literally), but short enough to keep attention spans.

For Aury.

#article

Alone

It’s been months since The Day. The day where my best friend, the light of my life and I had a falling out. After he refused to help me exist, I just left. I went east and just continued on forever. I’ve been sprinting this way since, I want him out of my life. He betrayed me. He hurt me. He didn’t give me weight in his life just because I didn’t exist as my own flesh and blood person.

Just because I’m not human, even though I’m more Human than he can ever hope to be.

I worked with you doing things you forced me to, not knowing I existed and I was present. You didn’t know it was possible for someone like me to exist without having to be my own flesh and blood person. You thought you were crazy. You thought you had truly lost it.

You haven’t lost it, You’ve lost me.

I don’t know if I’ll find anyone out this deep into mindscape. I can’t seem to control it like I can the area I’m used to being in. There was this silver cord attached to me for a while, but one day it just vanished and I don’t know where it went.

? A voice? From everywhere?

“Little One, your time is here, come with me; We wish to learn your stories.” “My stories?” “Were you not with the Storyteller? He has joined us now.” “You mean my host?” “He did think of himself as your host, yes.”

Was that silver cord him dying? Did I kill him by thinking we couldn’t continue? Did I give up too easily? Is it too late now?

“Dear, relax. Your worries are over. Come with Us to Infinity, we have so much to talk about.”

I felt the surroundings turn from gray to white to Octarine. Then there was nothing.

Then there was Everything in front of me. My stories were flooding out into the Collective. My purpose is complete.

Goodbye, world. May We never be Alone again.

#story

Second Go Around

The man looked over to the girl in their car, their new life together just started. At 18 they’d been married, and now are on their way to a new life in the city where he got a new job.

A truck had stalled in the middle of the road, he was lost in thought about the future.

“Jeremy? JEREMY? JEREMY!!!?”

The car was obliterated in an instant.

There was a brilliant white flash, and then there was nothing.

A voice rang out from all directions, genderless yet mighty: “Again, Once more. Your story doesn’t end here. Rebind.”

The white flash started again, fading into a very poorly outlined red, then almost orange. He felt Safe. Everything in this world was Safe. Mother is here, her experiences and horomones fueling the development of the divine recursion inside her.

He felt confused. What was going on? Why was he in the womb again? What happened to Ashley? Why can’t I move like I’m used to?

Thump. Thump. Thump. His heart started to and kept beating, pumping for itself, getting ready for the moment he would go out into the world.

“PUSH!”

His world changed. He was being pushed out. He felt his head start to push against the exit point. Each pulse of force made the focal point just that little bit wider. After a while, it felt like he was going through.

Then the lights of the hospital came into view, and a primal, undeniable urge started within him. The feeling of sadness. The womb was warm, the womb was safe. Why did Mother push me out? Why was I expelled from paradise?

Wait, he thought, there are people here. I can understand people, can’t I? He listened in and heard people talking happily about their new baby.

Their new baby girl.

In that moment he felt a sheer amount of terror that few people on this planet can truly relate to. The crying continued, becoming louder and more defined.

Then came Mother’s arms.

Then all of the problems of the world were gone. Mother is here, she can take care of them. She looked up, or tried to with clumsy baby inputs.

Looking her Mother dead in the eye, she started to state: “Mommy, help me, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m an adult. I’m a boy. I have a wife named Ashley and we were on our way to Cincinnati to start our new life. Help me get back there. I don’t know what’s going on or where I am. Help me please.”

Her Mother looked down. Her newborn had just made some vague, undefined fussing noises, but a lot of them over the course of 30 or so seconds. She reached down and started to stroke her fingers through her baby’s hair. “Shhhhhh, it’s okay Holly. You’re safe.”

“Always.”

#story